“Your confidence seems out of focus.”
These were some of the first words someone who eventually became a mentor of mine over a decade ago said to me. After a year, I better understood what they meant. They, however, had already forgotten ever saying it.
But I’ve never felt more out of focus than now. As I mentioned in the last post, despite the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic, I escaped into some form of normalcy and spoke with people I respect. A thread throughout was my lack of focus or a clear sense of what I would do or bring. I never seemed to be able to answer what I wanted to do next or where I wanted to go. It wasn’t until I spoke with a fellow PM on the phone that I understood why.
Since I had spent so much time in opposition, I was stuck thinking of my skillset defensively. Instead of anchoring my value within myself, my skills, and my experience, I continually compared it to others and viewed myself as lacking. My credentials were different. There were no big names on my resume. And so on. I described myself as “…not ___” instead of highlighting what I do bring to a team.
I’ve spent the last week with this knowledge on the back burner. I worked through some of my baggage while figuring out how to be safe and fed with my dog, given the pandemic. I forgave myself for the loss of purpose and permitted me to respect myself again. And I recognized this is a problem that extends beyond myself. We see it in politics and society. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do better. It’s time for me to remember and accept the respect and compliments my network has freely given me.
So here’s a description of who I am:
I’m a team builder, boundary spanner who has experience working with local and federal governments as a policy advisor and technical solution provider. Throughout all of my roles, I’m a listener, someone able to speak to all sorts of people and understand the problem(s) they’re facing and work collaboratively to find solutions.
And now a description of what that looks like:
I want to implement an ambitious vision to improve the lives of marginalized, vulnerable communities, particularly with a technology focus. To do so, I can build a culture so my team can passionately wrestle with challenges and gracefully learn from mistakes. I want to work with people passionate about their specialties who are curious about how they can learn from others and critical of their own spaces.
When I worked on theater productions, I would say I was not the ideas-person, but I was the make-it-happen person. I listened to my directors describe their vision and carefully pin it down to specifics that I could design and build. I bring those same skills with me, from theater to product to policy, working with teams to define our needs and struggles on the way to achieve our vision.
I’m slowly rebuilding my ambition; it starts with valuing what I’ve already done and what I bring. And it continues with regularly challenging myself to step forward rather than into the background.
If you’re looking for a leader and team member, contact me on social media @sampswu!
